Amel Counseling Blog
Teaching Social Skills at Home
Sometimes, parents struggle with teaching their young kids social cues and socialization skills in the home. These are skills that people tend to pick up on their own, and most people cannot pinpoint the instances or memories where they learned such skills. However, some kids have social skills deficits and it can begin popping up when they have playdates, early on in school, and at the playground. It can be important for parents to remember that though something might be obvious to you, it clearly is not obvious to their kids.
Luckily, there are ways to encourage your kids to develop social cues and socializing skills within the home. Here are some places to start!
Flexibility. Model it, talk about it, encourage it. Being flexible with actions and choices comes super easy to some kids, and is SO difficult for others, but at the end of the day, it is a social expectation. Having a child that is immobile, rigid and “my way or the highway” does not work well when playing with other kids.
Talk through your choices and actions to help them understand why and how to tolerate flexibility.
Encourage your child to compromise if people don’t agree.
Offer other options or solutions and explain why sometimes “the closest we can get” is the best we can hope for.
So, this did not work out, but we are going to try something else.
Taking turns. Being impatient, bossy, controlling, or steamrolling over others is not something that will be accepted with grace in social situations. In fact, this would all be seen as rude and undesirable when it comes to making friends or playing well with others. Although some stronger willed kids might be driven in ways that are very desirable, they will be held back by the very same qualities that make them so strong if they don’t have the ability to have patience and take a step back from time to time.
Sometimes taking turns is a struggle because your child is more impulsive.
Practicing, encouraging, and modeling PURPOSEFUL turn taking is helpful for everyone in your home.
Go around the table and nobody can speak until the person is finished, or you use a “talking object,” or you have your child play games where they cannot do anything until it is their turn.
If you have more than one child, you can have them take turns choosing the game, and if you don’t, you can take turns with your own child.
Different points of view. It may come as a surprise (or maybe it doesn’t) that some kids actually don’t even realize that you are not in their head, hearing their thoughts, don’t see what they do all day everyday, and/or cannot determine why they did a certain thing. When you ask, they might respond in a tone where they thought it was obvious. This goes both ways; they usually cannot see from others perspectives either. This is a skill that comes with maturity and age, but seeing things from someone else’s perspective can inspire empathy and also help them develop the skill of learning other people’s motivations and behaviors.
You can start by telling your kid why or how you made certain decisions throughout the day.
When possible, explain how you took into account how someone else might be feeling or their perspective as well.
Perhaps you noticed one of your family members or employees at work was feeling down and you tried to come up with a solution.
Make it common practice to ask your kid or talk about how someone else might be feeling, and have them guess with you or even ask the person if they can.
Utilize the media if you are struggling. What a great tool at times, though it can also feel like the enemy at other times. Why not use something so influential to help you when you can? TV shows and movies can provide examples of social skills and social cues that you might not be able to conjure up on your own. Chances are they love TV time anyway, might as well use it to your advantage!
You can always pause and discuss!
Talk about why a character did a certain thing, what could be affecting their choices or behavior, how their choices can affect others, etc.
Discuss body language, facial expressions, and other social cues that are being modeled before them in real time.
Maybe quiz them: Is this person uncomfortable or comfortable? Did this make them sad or happy? What choice could they have made that would have been better? Does this person tend to be helpful or hurtful to their friends?
Social skills in young childhood might be an area that is a struggle for your kid, and you might feel helpless if nothing you are doing is working. Maybe it is an area you struggle with too, and you feel you could use more support. Amel Counseling & Consulting has 1:1 therapists who can provide support for you and your child in this area, and also a social skills group starting up!
Reach out now for your free, 15-minute phone consultation and see how we can help!
Mental Health Days: Escapes or Breaks?
Just like adults need days to rest and recharge, sometimes our kids and teens express the need to take a break. They are savvily calling it a “mental health day”.
As a parent, you may be wondering if this is appropriate or if it’s a bad idea to let your child take the day off for mental health reasons. What if they are just trying to escape work or a test? Then again, who wants to tell their kid “no” to self-care? So when should you give the school a call or push you dear one out the door with extra love and encouragement?
The answer is… it depends!
Rather than determining if mental health days are good or bad overall, let’s discuss when and why they can be beneficial, versus when and why they do more harm than good.
When + Why it may be a bad idea to let your child take a day off for mental health:
If your child or teen is trying to avoid school because of anxiety. Putting off dealing with this may make it worse, and also may reinforce the idea that avoidance is a proactive and effective response to a bad feeling.
If your child or teen is using this as an excuse to avoid schoolwork. Sometimes it is a good idea to determine the difference between your kid feeling overwhelmed, or just getting a little lazy. It happens to us all! But taking days off because they wanna bum around isn’t the best example for them.
If there is a bigger issue going on. Let’s come back to this at the end -- but if there is a mental health or learning problem at the root of your child often asking to stay home, agreeing to let them take days off is not as good of an idea as getting them the proper help.
If there is something going on with their peers. As we know, kids and teens can deal with a fair amount of drama in their friend groups. However, if they’re trying to stay home just so that they don’t have to confront an issue with their friends, and you give in, this doesn’t exactly teach them problem-solving skills.
When + Why it may be appropriate to let your kid or teen take a mental health day:
If they have been under a lot of stress lately in their personal life, letting them take the occasional day to practice self-care can be really beneficial to them. Sometimes kids and teens have to deal with big things happening, and parents need to make a judgment call about what’s more important and what they may need to get through it.
If they are struggling with their mental health, and you are already in touch with the proper resources to help them, allowing them a day here and there to recharge when they are overwhelmed can be very helpful.
If they are not asking to stay home (from school, work, social events, sports) often, and just occasionally, then you can determine that they are making judgments based on their own self-awareness.
If they tend to utilize these mental health days in a way that truly feels like it was worth it. Meaning, if your teen isn’t sitting around with bags of chips spilled everywhere, yelling at their video game, and doing things that are generally bad for their mental health.
It’s important to check in with your kid/teen’s mental health and see if there is a bigger problem at the root of them asking to take a day off. If your child is avoiding school because they are falling behind with their learning, or because they are struggling emotionally (such as feeling depressed or unmotivated), it would be really important to reach out for additional support for them. Allowing them to take a day off to recharge can be helpful, but it won’t truly help them fix whatever it is that they are struggling with that makes it hard for them to tend to their responsibilities.
If you find this to be the case for your kid or teen, reach out to one of our therapists here at Amel today.
Helping Your Angry Teen
Everybody feels angry at times in their life.
It’s a normal part of our emotions, and typically adults have gained the tools in order to deal with it in a healthy and productive way.
However, teenagers can sometimes struggle with this, being that they are not as emotionally mature and developed as adults.
Sometimes, adults set a high expectation for teens and assume they should be equipped to deal with their feelings of anger by themselves, and this can cause a lot of friction between parents or teachers and the teens in their lives.
It is super important to keep in mind that the adolescents in your life may need a bit of patience, guidance, and understanding from you in order to find a way to manage an emotion as intense as anger.
Here are some ways that you can help them.
Let them know that it’s normal to be angry sometimes.
It is always helpful for the adult to remember that anger is normal and to normalize the feeling for the teen.
The adolescent will be more open to your help if they understand that it is not wrong for them to feel their feelings and be angry.
It will rub a teenager the wrong way if an adult comes at the situation as if they are trying to control it.
Making them feel like they are wrong for their feelings will escalate the situation.
Validate their feelings.
Sometimes, as parents or teachers, we may think it is more important to be unbiased. We can still validate their feelings without taking sides.
Tell them that you see them and hear them. A simple “that sounds so hard” will do.
Let them know that you are here for them if they want to talk about it or vent.
Take their feelings seriously.
Respect their feelings.
Practicing discussing what is upsetting them is important for the teen, but only if they wish to discuss it.
It is very unproductive to make them talk about something if they do not want to.
You, as the adult, will get much farther with them if you respect their feelings about the situation rather than making them feel dramatic.
Do not try to play devil’s advocate or make it seem like they do not have a right to be angry, as this will make them want to shut down.
Take notice of when you may need to get extra help that you cannot provide.
There is certainly a difference between feeling angry at a situation and letting it affect their mood each day.
Every teen has their ups and downs emotionally, but if it is getting in the way of their daily life, there may be more underlying issues present.
If your teen is exhibiting frequent aggression or physical violence due to their anger, it is important to seek extra support.
Mental health professionals can help teens manage their feelings of anger and regulate their emotions if they need the extra support.
Let’s Talk About Self-Trust
By Juliana Lewellen
Trust in yourself is not something people consider very often, because usually they think about trust in the more conventional sense: trust in others. That’s super important.
But today, let’s talk about self-trust.
Just like trusting others is something that needs to be built, over time, through someone proving they’re worthy, so does self-trust.
Self-trust is something A LOT of adolescents and young adults struggle with, because people do not usually learn how important this is until later in life.
Additionally, not many people learn exactly how to build trust within themselves.
Here are some of the signs someone may not trust themselves.
Valuing others’ opinions over your own. This could be as simple as not wearing an outfit without input from friends--which can be completely harmless unless it’s a toxic pattern.
You tend to be indecisive about a lot of things. Indecisiveness alone can be tied to a lot of different things, but not trusting yourself is one of them.
You don’t listen to your own intuition. Listening to your gut feelings is important, and if you ignore them it can mean you don’t trust them.
You frequently second guess yourself. Like being indecisive, second guessing yourself can be a sign of something else, such as anxiety. However, it would be worth it to take a closer look to determine if it’s really about self-trust.
You invalidate your experiences. Sometimes downplaying your trauma is a way to cope with it. Other times, it’s due to not trusting that you truly experienced it the way you think you did.
You shy away from things that feel like they are too big of a responsibility. Whether you feel unworthy of taking on something serious, or you feel you are not dependable enough to complete a task, this can be a sign of low self-trust.
You dwell on your own mistakes and are hard on yourself. Shame and guilt are really big signs of not having trust in yourself. Being hard on yourself for your past mistakes is feeling guilt. Being hard on yourself for who you are is feeling shame.
You would prefer to rely on others rather than be independent. Co-dependent relationships can be the result of a lot of different things that we don’t have the time to get into right now, but one of them could very well be not trusting yourself to navigate your own life.
You have commitment issues, even with the small things. Committing to plans with friends requires a certain level of self-trust; without it, you may shy away from this.
You don’t keep promises that you make to yourself. Anything from New Year’s Resolutions, to staying away from that person, breaking promises that you make for yourself wears away at your trust within yourself.
Okay, so maybe our self-trust is not where we want it to be. How can we fix it?
Here are some ways to build (or even re-build, if you feel like you have lost it) self trust:
Set and respect your boundaries. This is HUGE. Honor those boundaries; don’t let people use you.
Keep a promise to yourself each day (even just one). Promise yourself that you will take a walk, or do your laundry, and make sure you hold yourself accountable and truly keep it.
Listen to your body. Are you tired? Hungry? Anxious? Take care of yourself the way you take care of others. Be there for yourself. Listen to your body.
Validate your feelings. Maybe you carry feelings from the past from things that have happened to you. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Don’t gaslight yourself.
Stand up for yourself more. Don’t let people walk all over you!
Forgive yourself for your mistakes in the past instead of sitting in your guilt and/or shame. Learn and let go. You do not need to feel guilt for what you have done or shame for who you are. Give yourself some grace.
Let go of the things or relationships that no longer serve you or cause you harm. Hanging on to people who do nothing but make you feel bad for yourself is not having respect for yourself and your time.
Practice listening to your intuition. Maybe take this one slow. Read a book or watch a movie and after the characters are introduced, take a break and make some predictions about the characters. You will get better at this with time!
Positive self-talk and being supportive to yourself. Literally speak to yourself aloud in the nicest way you possibly can in order to combat any negative thoughts you may be in the habit of thinking.
Praise yourself for all of the good you have done. You are doing amazing! Think of all of your accomplishments and be proud of yourself!
Sometimes gaining or re-gaining self-trust takes a really long time, which is why it’s something that adolescents and young adults struggle with. If something in your life is inhibiting you from building trust within yourself and you are beginning to notice this pattern, you may need more help working through this. Reach out for help! We got this!
The Do’s and Dont’s for Children with Anxiety
When your job is to take care of a child, whether you are a teacher, parent, or child therapist, it is a natural reaction to want to help them feel better. We just organically want to protect children.
When it comes to a child dealing with anxiety, though, keeping them from whatever their trigger is may accidentally and inadvertently make matters worse.
If you reinforce the idea that your child, student, or client is rightfully anxious about something and encourage them to avoid it, their feelings of anxiety may get worse.
Sometimes, the best thing to do for a child who has anxiety is to just help them manage their feelings as they come, and over time they may be able to do this themselves.
Perhaps creating a list of DO’s and DONT’s can help adults navigate the best way to help a child when they are expressing feelings of anxiety.
DONT:
Reinforce their feelings. This can look like getting upset with them each time they get upset.
Escalate the situation by getting angry with them.
Agree with their anxieties. This can look like saying, “this makes me scared too,” without providing any kind of resolution.
Instead, DO:
Respect their feelings, and assure them that they are going to be okay.
Empathize with them, and let them know that these feelings are normal, but there are ways to get through it.
Communicate with them calmly.
DONT:
Encourage avoidance. This can look like removing them from the situation that is triggering them without any kind of conversation, leading the child to believe that getting upset is the best way to cope and that avoiding the anxiety is the answer. This can cause the anxiety to grow.
Instead, DO:
Express confidence that they can face their fears and that over time, they will start to feel less and less afraid. Tell them how strong you think they are! And tell them you are there for them.
DONT:
Try to eliminate the anxiety altogether.
Instead, DO:
Try to help them learn how to manage it.
Help them learn how to tolerate their anxiety.
Model coping skills for how to function when they are feeling anxious.
DONT:
Ask your child questions that are leading. This is important because you can accidentally plant more ideas in their head that they didn’t even think of before. This can look like saying things such as “Are you anxious for your test tomorrow?”
Instead, DO:
Ask open-ended questions, such as “How are you feeling about your show-and-tell?”
Speak calmly and have a neutral tone.
DONT:
Appear anxious or expect the worst before a situation that would commonly result in anxiety from your child. Sometimes, parents can subconsciously project their own feelings onto a situation if they are expecting it to go awry.
Instead, DO:
Keep your child distracted before a situation where they may become anxious.
Talk to your child about what may happen if their fears come true. Helping them come up with a plan can soothe their nerves.
Model your own healthy coping skills for when you are feeling anxious yourself. Kids are more perceptive than you think!
If your child or a child you know is experiencing anxiety that is difficult for them to manage, it is important for them to have help managing these emotions. Although you may want to, you cannot promise them that nothing bad will ever happen to them.
Anxiety is a normal part of life, but sometimes it can be hard to manage on their own. Having a therapist may really help them work through their anxieties.
One Foot in front of the Other
By Juliana Lewellen
Sometimes the main goal needs to be just surviving the day.
When we find ourselves struggling emotionally with something heavy, it can begin to manifest in physical ways really quickly.
If you or someone you know is having a particularly challenging time in life, sometimes it feels like nothing anyone can really say or do is helpful in making the pain go away.
This post can be advice that you can give to a loved one who is struggling in a difficult period of their life, or advice that you can take if you are the one in emotional pain.
Give yourself ten minutes to do something you love. Listen to music, take a few photos of nature, write in your journal, read a half a chapter of a book, whatever it is, as long as it brings you some small semblance of peace and you enjoy it.
Drink water, even when you are not thirsty. When we find ourselves going through a particularly rough patch in life, we tend to stop taking care of ourselves in the most basic ways. Sometimes it’s because we are having such a hard time that we forget. It’s such an important way to help provide our body with enough energy to try to work through a difficult time, though. Dehydration will only make you feel worse physically and impede on your ability to feel better mentally + physically.
Eat, even if you are not hungry. Same deal here. Your body needs nutrients to fight off a physical ailment, so it will need nutrients for strength here as well. Anxiety and depression thrive off inadequate nourishment. You need to feed your body in order to have the energy to fight to feel better mentally.
Talk about it. Tell someone you love and trust that you are struggling. Sometimes this can be super hard because we tell ourselves that people are busy and do not have the time to help. Your loved ones want to know that you are having a hard time because they want to help you get through it, trust me. People cannot support us if they don’t know we are in need of the support. Your feelings matter, your pain matters, and you matter. Talk to them.
Leave your room. This one is hard because sometimes you need to legitimately force yourself against your own will to get up. Sometimes your feelings are heavy, and they are too heavy to bring around with you, so they weigh you down right in place. Even if you just get out of bed to take a shower, or step into the sun in your backyard for five minutes, or take a short walk around the block, you are making a difference. Make yourself do it and take deep breaths while doing so. You will be so glad you did.
Sometimes the main goal needs to be just surviving the day. One foot in front of the other.
With being said, if you or someone you love are struggling emotionally with something heavy, therapy is a great way to help make it lighter. Consider scheduling a consultation.
The "Green Flags" of a Friendship or Relationship
By Juliana Lewellen
It seems like we talk about red flags a lot. We read about red flags in romantic partners, red flags in friendships, red flags in a family member, etc.
If you are a teen or a young adult, you probably (definitely) feel like you have been beyond warned about what is a BAD characteristic in someone you are dating, and what you DON’T want in a friend.
That is all super important, of course! But sometimes, constantly reading about the dangers and warnings of others can be a little much.
What we rarely discuss is green flags. Green Flags are good signs, or positive attributes to look for in others. Attributes that you may want to adopt for yourself, because they made you feel so good when they did this for you.
Let’s discuss Green Flags to look for in romantic partners and friends instead, shall we?
1.Support.
It is a super important green flag when someone you are dating or are friends with is supportive of your success. Is your boyfriend proud of you for getting accepted to your number 1 college? Are your friends happy for you when you make the basketball team? Great! It is both an amazing feeling and a green flag when your loved ones are supportive of your success and hard work, instead of threatened by it. If they make you feel bad… this is not a green flag.
2. Respect.
Another really important green flag is respect of your boundaries and feelings. Whether it be not telling jokes to you that they know you do not enjoy, not starting conversations with you that they know you do not wish to be a part of, or respecting your emotions after something happens, boundaries are extremely important in relationships. This is also important in relationships when it comes to intimacy. Your partner should respect your boundaries and communicate about them with you often. People who respect your boundaries and abide by them are exhibiting really important green flag behavior.
3. Mutual happiness.
If your friend or romantic partner have a mutual happiness for you, this is a green flag. If it makes you happy to make other friends, they should be happy for you rather than jealous or possessive. If a friendship is valuable to you, your girlfriend should value it for you as well. If participating in a hobby is a way that you express your love for life, your friend or significant other should find happiness in that and allow you that time to yourself. Bonus points if they want to learn more about the things that make you happy, listen to your favorite bands with you, or watch your favorite movie to chat about it.
4. Communication.
If your friend or romantic partner actually communicates their thoughts and feelings with you, this is a huge green flag. We aren’t mind-readers, and sometimes expecting people to be can cause a lot of drama and arguments. Opening up a two-way street where you can communicate your own feelings, and they do the same, is a really great way to maintain a healthy relationship.
5. Thoughtfulness.
Sometimes this is a tough one for teens and young adults, so try to be understanding of your friend or loved one if they are still learning this. Being thoughtful is an extremely positive attribute and when you see that you have a friend or partner who has this green flag, know how important it is. If you have a friend who asks how you are doing, remembers to check in, and thinks of you often, value that. One way that a friend or a significant other can show you that they are being thoughtful is to ask you if you have the emotional capacity to listen before they unload their problems or vent to you. Another way could be to shoot you a kind text if they know you are struggling, or buy you a candy bar because they know you like it. There are a lot of ways this green flag can manifest, but this is a good one.
If you would like to learn more, or feel as though you are struggling with finding/ building / maintaining these types of relationships, schedule with an Amel therapist today.
When Kids and Teens are Feeling Lonely
By Juliana Lewellen
When children and teenagers are feeling lonely, they may not know how to express it or how to ask for help from you.
One of the impacts of Covid-19 is that people are struggling to build and re-build connections with peers when they have been so out of practice for so long. Kids and teens are not immune to this impact.
Although this may sound unbelievable, the last normal school year was 2018-2019. That was three grades ago…
As a parent or loved one to a kid or teen, you may want to find a way to help and support them.
Here are some ways you can do so.
Make a plan or even roleplay a conversation:
Sometimes, creating concrete steps can be the most helpful thing to do for kids or teens who are nervous. Practice with your child by pretending to be the friend or classmate they want to try to make plans with. It may also help to talk them through some ways to resolve conflict, as this is an inevitable part of socializing that they may be out of practice with as well. Perhaps they could also find an extracurricular activity they like in order to make friends easier. Whatever they are comfortable with!
2. Be the one to open up the conversation:
If your child or a teen in your life is feeling lonely, they may not be able to find the words to express that to you. It may help to be the one to bring it up. Sometimes the best way to do this is to share something about yourself or about how you personally feel when you don’t get to see your friends for a while. Normalize the feeling of being lonely for them, giving them the emotional vocabulary to express themselves and an opening for them to tell you how they feel.
3. Lend your ear:
As a parent, teacher, neighbor, or coach to kids and teens, you may have the desire to problem-solve when they open up about their feelings of loneliness after Covid-19. However, sometimes it may be best to give them the space to vent. Listening to them may be more helpful than butting in. This may show them that you truly care about how they are feeling and that you are always here for them. The reality is, we have never experienced what it feels like to be growing up in times like these. They need to know that it is safe to talk about their feelings and that you won’t judge.
If you find that your child or teen are struggling with feeling lonely or are having a hard time building connections, socializing, or maintaining relationships with their peers, perhaps it is time to schedule a consultation with one of our therapists at Amel.
Some Signs of Anxiety that may be Less Obvious
By Juliana Lewellen
Anxiety presents itself in a lot of different ways. Sometimes, though, anxiety can be extremely sneaky, and we don’t even know what we are feeling ourselves.
Other times, people can mistake signs of anxiety for something else, and it flies under the radar rather than being addressed and processed.
Here are some signs of anxiety that may not SEEM like they are signs of anxiety:
Snapping/ being impatient: This is one of the signs of anxiety that definitely gets put in the “mistaken for other things” category. A lot of times, people tend to read this as a behavior-related issue, or just being moody. However, it honestly may be one of the more common signs of anxiety.
Difficulty sitting still and concentrating: This is a sign of anxiety that also gets mistaken for ADHD, especially in kids and teens. Children who have anxiety jitters may also not have the emotional vocabulary to describe what they are feeling, and explain to their parents/ teachers that they are anxious. This leads to a lot of misdiagnoses of ADHD.
Zoning out or dissociating: Sometimes a child or teen seeming like they are daydreaming a lot can be harmless. Other times, it can be a sign that they are trying to escape the physical feelings of anxiety, resulting in zoning out or dissociating as a coping mechanism.
Appearing flaky or struggling to commit to future plans: This is one of the symptoms of anxiety that can appear frustrating to friends and loved ones of those who are struggling with it. Sometimes people tend to not be so understanding about someone who do not feel like they can keep their social plans. If this is something you struggle with, it is very possible that it’s due to some underlying social anxiety.
Not making eye contact: This is a very small sign, and it can also be related to one’s culture or the way they were raised out of respect. However, if presented with any of the other symptoms, it’s possible that someone who struggles to make eye contact when chatting with you may be anxious.
Startled by noises: This symptom can be related to a lot of different disorders and is a part of other diagnoses as well. But, when paired with other signs and feelings, it can certainly be a sign of someone dealing with anxiety as well.
Pacing: Like the inability to sit still, this can present to others like ADHD. However, it’s quite possible that a person who is pacing may be finding it comforting if they are feeling anxious, or it helps them get their anxious energy out.
Wanting to go home/stay home: Perhaps you find yourself searching for an exit whenever you go somewhere, or you find yourself wanting to go back home after a short period of time. This is certainly a possible sign of anxiety.
Harbored breathing: This is probably one of the more common symptoms that people understand as anxiety when they see it.
Fidgeting, stroking their arms, tugging on their hair: Some of these behaviors are considered protective gestures. Others are due to the inability to sit still, and the person doing it may be trying to make it look more natural by fidgeting with something.
Self critical comments: This symptom can be subtle comments, or it can be more obvious self-deprecating. Oftentimes, people may mistakenly perceive this as depression, as the person may make comments about how they are worthless or bad at things. However, people with anxiety are hyper-aware of other people’s perception of them and their own perception of themselves, and it makes them nervous.
Asking for reassurance often: Somewhat related to the above symptom, someone who makes a lot of self critical comments or deals with intrusive negative thoughts may require a lot of reassurance in order to feel better.
If you, your child, or someone you love presents with any of these signs and symptoms, it’s possible they may need some extra help processing and working through their anxiety with a mental health professional. Make an appointment today with one of our own!
Helping Your Child Make Decisions
By Juliana Lewellen
Decision-making skills are an important aspect of a child’s development. Sometimes, parents struggle with how exactly to support their child in making choices, and when to allow it.
It can be a difficult balance to find. As a parent, you want your child to find that space of autonomy and independence, but you also don’t want to just tell your kid that anything goes.
Here are some ways to find that balance of letting your child make some choices for themselves.
Encourage it early, and start small. Yes, even toddlers can make choices! Appropriate choices, though, of course. For instance, start with letting them have two options. Hold up the Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol shirts and let your 2 year old point to which one they want to wear. Let her choose between two different toys to play with. Easy and harmless! At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter which they choose but just that they were included in the choice. As they get older, they will be able to make bigger decisions, and most importantly they will learn from you that structured, appropriate choices are healthy.
Walk through it with them. When your child gets older, they may come to you with a choice they need to make. Explain to them what decision making skills are and discuss what you personally do when you are faced with a decision. Teach them what a pro and con list is. Model for them what it looks like to consider how each option may affect them or their peers.
Consider when it would be a good time to step back. This one is really hard, guys! Parents never want to step back and allow their child to make a mistake, but it is a normal and important part of growing and learning. At the end of the day, you are going to have to allow your child to make a choice and see what happens. As long as they aren’t in any physical danger, give your kid the space to mess up sometimes. Maybe they had two friend’s birthday parties in one day, and after you talked to them about it, they did not decide to go to both. Now their friend is upset, and they feel bad. Talk about this experience with them, ask them how it makes them feel, and discuss what they learned from it so that next time, they may make a different choice. This lesson can be a lot more valuable than if you just simply told them how they may be affected from the start.
Is This Really Grief?
By Juliana Lewellen
Grief is often tied in conversation to the notion of death. However, grief is not limited to death.
Grief is the deep sorrow in response to any form of loss that impacts one’s life.
A loss that impacts one’s life could be in any form.
Here are a few examples of loss we May Not Realize Cause grief.
Losing a friend.
Leaving a career path you really loved.
Losing a part of yourself that you once loved.
Changing future plans.
Losing trust in someone you love.
Infertility.
Failed fostering and adoptions.
Ending romantic relationships.
No longer feeling safe and secure in your place of living.
People who experience any of these “non-traditional” losses are left with feelings they can’t pin down, and may not understand what they are experiencing. All of these losses bring forth feelings of grief. It may not or may not feel the same as losing someone to death. It’s unfair to place more or less value on the loss based on the pain it inflicts on the sufferer.
They are grieving because these losses are important too.
Grief is an extremely private and personal experience for whomever it affects. There is no way to truly “fix it” but there are many ways to process it that can hopefully be helpful. Understanding your grief is a good way to process it.
Grief can cause physical and emotional symptoms. It can be incredibly exhausting and extremely heavy. It can be all-consuming, frustrating, and really change you. The good news is, with the right help, grief can be made to feel lighter.
There is no real timeline for when someone should begin grieving or be done grieving. Maybe you have not been sad about your loss for years, and you thought that you were over it, but then recently you find that it has snuck back up on you.
That’s other thing about grief, it can be very unpredictable. Maybe yours comes in waves and without warning. Maybe hers comes nonstop and slowly dissipates. Maybe his has not hit him at all yet. We are all different.
There are no rules. You can be happy, annoyed, established, excited, determined, etc. and still also be grieving at the same time. Grief can coexist with many different emotions. This is sometimes confusing for people because they think the only acceptable feeling to pair with grief is sadness; they can’t seem to understand why someone who is grieving can also be happy. This is not true at all. With the right help, you may learn that grief can be carried with joy.
If you find that yourself, your child, or your family as a whole may be experiencing grief after ANY kind of loss, you may need some help processing it. Schedule with one of our therapists today.
Working Through Some Academic Setbacks with your Child
So, it’s September 2021. Some of our children are back to school finally after being virtual for 2020, and getting back into the swing of things has been in and of itself a little difficult.
While I’m sure some parents are so happy and grateful that schools are reopening, this without a doubt still comes with some struggles as well.
One of the major issues in the wake of COVID and virtual learning is children perhaps feeling as though they are a little lost, being academically behind, and/or scoring lower grades than they are used to.
This is challenging for everyone: teachers, parents, and especially the child. Not everyone thrived over virtual learning, and now they are returning to “business as usual” feeling as though they entirely skipped a year. It’s as if you popped your child in the grade above their age group and expect them to understand the work.
So, we know what the problem is… but what can we do about it?
Here are some tips on working through your kids’ academic setbacks in order to support their learning without making this situation stressful for the whole family.
Make learning fun and not just a “school thing.”
Encourage learning outside of the school setting.
Kids genuinely love to learn… they just don’t always love to learn when they think it’s for school.
Learning does not need to be formal. Take them to the zoo, bake with them (this is math and reading!), or read an interactive book. Do a scavenger hunt. Get creative!
Communicate with the school:
If you feel your child needs the extra support in school, be open with them.
Get ahead of schedule and say something early on in the school year, so that they have time to get the proper supports in place before the work picks up.
If you have a child with disabilities, this only makes this tip all the more important.
Teach your child to be their own advocate.
This is important in school but also just in life. This is a lesson they will apply later in life as well if they are encouraged to and realize it yields successful results.
Teach your child to never be ashamed to speak up if they are struggling.
This is empowering to the child, and they need to understand that they will not get in trouble for expressing that they feel they need more help.
Even young children can do this; just tell them if they ever feel stuck in school to tell their teacher or you that they think they need more help, want a study buddy, or would like a tutor.
If you need more information about how to properly support your child through their learning struggles during their return to school, do not be afraid to reach out and take parent coaching sessions with Amel Counseling.
If you feel as though your child is having a difficult time re-adjusting to their academic expectations in school, and it is affecting their mental health and behavior, find out more information and schedule a consultation for child therapy sessions here on this site.
How Can I Get My Kid to do Chores?
By Juliana Lewellen
This is an age-old question among parents, especially with families who have been quarantining together and just outright getting on each other’s nerves.
Parents often say that their kids just do not want to do their chores, and then they describe arguments about it that result in power struggles with their children.
A lot of times parents will give up and feel burnt out, and say things like, “My kid just won’t do them. I could threaten everything under the sun but he doesn’t care.”
Although these fights can be a pain, it is obviously important that kids learn the importance of helping out around the house and pitching in.
Here are some tips so that you, as a parent, don’t have to find yourself in a place where you are arguing with your child about chores until the cows come home.
Create a routine: Sometimes I recommend to parents to create a fun-looking chart with bright colors, outlining the chores of the house. Laminate it, and use a dry-erase marker to write your kids’ names in their favorite color for each chore. If they’re old enough, let them sign up themselves! This is a good area to allow some autonomy. You could give them choices of which chore they would rather do. It would also be important to make sure that your expectations are clear; make sure your kid knows how to do the chore properly before you assign it. And don’t forget to check in on them to make sure they are sweeping your hardwood floors with the right end of the broom.
Give specific instructions for your younger kids and your kids with attention challenges. Take the extra step to say, “Please put your blocks in your toy bin,” rather than vaguely saying, “Clean the living room.” This often can cause arguments because you will be frustrated when your child did not understand what they meant, and they can also become frustrated because they feel like they did what you said when they rearranged your decorations. Small steps are key.
Consider a good reward system. This really depends on your child and what they find rewarding, but a good reward system really makes or breaks this process. Most children thrive best on a token system, whether it be a weekly allowance or tokens that they can trade in for prizes. Other children prefer a treat or some one-on-one time with their parents. Regardless, the extra incentive can really be helpful to you as a parent. The most important aspect of your reward system is that you make it clear to your child ahead of time and allow them to aid in putting together a system that they agree upon and find fair.
Remain calm. Everybody is going to have their off-days. Sometimes adults forget that children have days filled with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. It is important to not write this off and force your child to do their chores without acknowledging they may be experiencing one of these off-days. Make sure you are encouraging a little self care with your child and practicing patience with them before you get upset about their moodiness.
How to promote healthy body image for your child
By Juliana Lewellen
Although you may try, you simply cannot shield your child from each and every mental health struggle that they can possibly encounter in their lives. One of these struggles your child may have is low self-esteem and unhealthy body image.
The idea of an ideal body is something that may appear inescapable; diet culture is everywhere we turn, the media is always promoting unattainable looks, and your child’s peers may pressure them to look a certain way as well.
However, research shows that one of the biggest influences on a child’s body image is their parent’s outlook on body image.
The way that you, as a parent, talk about both the way you look and the way others look does truly make a difference.
So, the question stands: what is the best way to promote healthy body image? What are the do’s and dont’s?
DONT:
Promote foods because it “helps keep us thin”
Instead DO:
Promote healthy eating. Many people conflate health/fitness with the size/shape of a body. This is a learned idea. Many people who are thin maintain pretty unhealthy eating habits, while many bigger bodied people actually eat very nutritiously. Many people who people call “too skinny” actually do give their body everything that it needs. These two are not one-in-the-same. Teaching your child about how healthy a balanced diet is does not actually need to be about how they look--AT ALL!
DONT:
Talk about working out to lose weight
Instead DO:
Talk about movement/exercise in a way that has nothing to do with being thin. This one may feel a little foreign to the parents who grew up in the 80’s, 90’s, or 2000’s, but exercising and being thin do not need to be a hand-in-hand type of deal. Teach your children that they should move their bodies because it is good for the mind. Teach your children to exercise because it makes them strong. Teach your kids that they do not need to push themselves past the point of enjoyment, and that they should not feel like they have to do it.
DONT:
Call yourself fat or say you need to lose weight
Comment on other people’s bodies or appearances negatively
Comment on your child’s body shape/size
Instead DO:
Focus on aspects of people that have nothing to do with their outer appearance. This goes for your child too. Bear with me on this, because sometimes it sounds strange. Of course you can tell your daughter that she is beautiful! However, it would also be really meaningful to your daughter to also tell her what exactly about her makes her beautiful. Talk about her soul; how intelligent she is, her independence, how kindhearted she is. This piece also goes for others as well. Discussing with your child people “inner beauty” and things you love about them that have nothing to do with their face or body will give your child an appreciation for those things about themselves and in others.
DONT:
Maintain a strict diet of 3 meals a day, all healthy, all small proportions
Refuse to buy junk food
Instead DO:
Allow your child to have food autonomy. I can already hear your next thought: “My kid is going to eat cereal and ice cream 24/7 if I let them do this.” I’m definitely not saying that you should leave the grocery store with a cart full of junk for them. What I’m saying is, teach them about the importance of vitamins and nutrients, fruits and vegetables, and make it fun for them. Then, allow them to choose which fruits, veggies, healthy snacks, and junk foods they want to get. Give them a few dinner ideas for the week and let them choose which ones they want tonight. Choices are good, and so is balance.
If your child begins making comments about their body, make it an opportune time to open up a conversation about this. Ask questions. Listen. They are obviously getting this idea from somewhere. Check yourself against these do’s and dont’s.
You don’t have to be 100% perfect 100% of the time. Every parent has their own struggles and are not immune to their own body image and self-esteem struggles. However, if you struggle with your relationship with your body or with food, this may be something you do not wish to pass on to your child. It may be a good idea to seek therapy in order to refrain from continuing a cycle in your family.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for more help than this post has to offer if you need it. We got this.
Teenagers and Dating in the Time of Covid
By Juliana Lewellen
As a parent with a never-ending list of worries about your child, one thing is certain: managing your own feelings toward your teen beginning to date is a challenge!
This is a tale as old as time. Your son or daughter starts to have romantic interests, or they start to feel lonely without a relationship, and you start to feel the hairs on your head turn grey.
Although this is a stage of life most parents go through with their kids, things are looking a lot different for today’s teens because of the pandemic.
Let’s face it, the past year-and-a-half has made teenagers miss out on some of the most iconic times in a person’s life.
From asking peers to prom, flirting with crushes at their locker, first dates at the movies, and so much more, you as a parent got to experience some of these amazing memories that are now a lot more complicated for teens to experience.
Although I’m sure you had your own obstacles (maybe you snuck dating behind your parents back… we don’t judge!), without a doubt the pandemic has made dating a lot more complicated for your teen than it already was.
With that being said, it is super important to promote healthy romantic relationships for your teen during a time when they may already be struggling with this enough as it is.
1. Be supportive. Whether they seem to be feeling lonely without a romantic relationship, they are frustrated because COVID makes seeing their partner difficult, or they are going through a breakup, make sure you have a supportive voice in this.
This may be stressful for you, and that is normal. However, it’s always important to remember that being unsupportive just results in more feelings of loneliness and isolation at a time when those feelings are at an all-time-high already.
Support is always good for a teen’s self confidence.
2. Have empathy. Think about all of the things you got to experience as a something-teen-year-old that your child will not be able to do. Being a teenager is so hard as it is, and they have already missed out on so much. Let them know that you see that.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with literally saying, “I am seeing how hard it is to maintain these feelings right now. I am here for you if you need any advice or want to vent.”
A lot of times parents miss opportunities to leave the ball in their kid’s court because they forget to say something so small that means so much.
3. Healthy boundaries, healthy boundaries, healthy boundaries. This is a thing all the time, in any romantic relationship, but now we’ve got to prioritize COVID safety guidelines as well.
Work together to set some ground rules and make it known that their health is of utmost importance, so that they see that you are not just trying to keep them from dating.
If they want to have some Facetime dates, give them space.
Give them your best parent to child dating talk, muster up the courage to be open-minded,
If they are going through a rough breakup, tell them you are here for them, give them your favorite breakup song playlist and SPACE to let them feel their feelings.
It may not be the easiest task, but our kids who have to be teens in times like these really do deserve as much support, empathy, and understanding as possible about their romantic interests.
Having open communication about this is important, and can really make your parent-child relationship stronger. Your teen will surely thank you for it--someday at least!
Modern Parenting: Grief
"That's how my mom did it." I can't tell you how many times I've said that to myself. Just last week I was wheezing and coughing trying to recreate her gardens. Not a good look and I was miserable.
I was grieving her and believed being like her was the best way to cope. I wanted to feel happy and be a good mom. Instead, I was miserable itching, and annoyed with my kids. Definitely not my plan.
“That’s how mom did it”, “that’s the way it is”, or “you know better”. These phrases often said by well-meaning people, hold a ton of judgment and leave little room for growth. It’s as if the thought of deviating disrespects the memory of loved ones or traditions. But what if their ways are stale, limited, or even harmful. Should we change them? Absolutely!
Our foundation comes from childhood memories. So we are bound to bring a bit of old school into our homes and child-rearing. Especially when our teachers have passed on.
Things like recipes, traditions, nursery rhymes, how you clean, down to how you grieve are all learned. Given this past year, we may need to refresh how we help our grieving kids.
Helping your kids cope after a major loss can be overwhelming and terrifying. You swoop in and respond the way adults around you always have, for better or for worse. Or, you freeze because you intuitively know that your kneejerk response isn't ideal. No one has taught you an alternative.
Grief can an elephant in the room. We do anything to make the situation feel better. To feel lighter. To distract from the emotions.
It's uncomfortable, awkward, and it doesn't feel good. Some refuse to acknowledge it at all. It's how you may have learned to deal with grief. Everyone copes in different ways, including kids. They may need something different.
Be open to talking about grief and showing vulnerability to your children. It normalizes showing emotions and shows that you can handle hearing about them. If it helps your child to talk about their grief, listen. And really listen without plans to fix things.
Respect if they don't want to talk about it, avoid forcing the issue. They will talk when they are ready. If that's too much, give them space to feel however they need to and find a trusted person for them to talk to.
What are some things that you wish adults said to or did for you after a loss?
How I Use Video Games in Sessions
Hey all.
I have a confession, I have on occasion taken my son’s Nintendo Switch to play video games in my office. Sometimes it’s mindless Animal Crossing, (actually not mindless, as no one wants to move to my island!) but most times I’m using it for work. As a child therapist, I communicate the way my clients do, through play. That hasn’t changed since the pandemic, but the medium I must use has. Due to virtual sessions, I find video games a necessity for some kids.
I could go on and on about the different opinions about whether video games are effective or a hindrance. I’ll spare you as I assume that if you’re reading this blog you are either: a therapist trying to figure out if playing video games is therapeutically appropriate; you believe it can be and want some tips, your client is pretty much ignoring you while playing a game, or you are one my client’s parents who are wondering why their kid is screaming about Mario Kart. So let’s get to it!
Here are a few ways video games can be used in sessions:
Racing games are great for focus and frustration tolerance.
Minecraft is great for focus and creativity. It also has been shown to be engaging and helpful for kids with ADHD and neurodiverse kids.
Animal Crossing you and your client can visit each other’s islands, giving much-needed connection. It also allows for celebrations, giving kids a chance to celebrate milestones and even mourn losses.
6 Steps for successful video gameplay in session.
Set clear boundaries of games available to play and for how long. Fortnite may not be the best game for a 7-year-old during the session, even if the parents allow it. You also want to keep some structure to your session, this can avoid sessions running over or ending abruptly.
Have a clear idea of how you would plan to use the games in the session. Are you rapport building?
Check-in with parents and discuss future plans for using video games in sessions. Ideally, this will occur initially, so the games and any requisite boundaries are set. Clarify if your client will have online access and what games they are allowed to play.
Remember that this is still therapeutic play! Reign in your competitive streak, be easy on yourself if you don't understand the game, and stay alert and attuned.
Have a backup activity or game ready in case of technical difficulties.
Make sure the virtual rooms you are playing in are private.
Click the link to my video explaining how I use video games in sessions.
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Until next time,
Kim