Modern Parenting: Grief

"That's how my mom did it." I can't tell you how many times I've said that to myself. Just last week I was wheezing and coughing trying to recreate her gardens. Not a good look and I was miserable.

I was grieving her and believed being like her was the best way to cope. I wanted to feel happy and be a good mom. Instead, I was miserable itching, and annoyed with my kids. Definitely not my plan.

“That’s how mom did it”, “that’s the way it is”, or “you know better”. These phrases often said by well-meaning people, hold a ton of judgment and leave little room for growth. It’s as if the thought of deviating disrespects the memory of loved ones or traditions. But what if their ways are stale, limited, or even harmful. Should we change them? Absolutely!

Our foundation comes from childhood memories. So we are bound to bring a bit of old school into our homes and child-rearing. Especially when our teachers have passed on.

Things like recipes, traditions, nursery rhymes, how you clean, down to how you grieve are all learned. Given this past year, we may need to refresh how we help our grieving kids.

Helping your kids cope after a major loss can be overwhelming and terrifying. You swoop in and respond the way adults around you always have, for better or for worse. Or, you freeze because you intuitively know that your kneejerk response isn't ideal. No one has taught you an alternative.

Grief can an elephant in the room. We do anything to make the situation feel better. To feel lighter. To distract from the emotions.

It's uncomfortable, awkward, and it doesn't feel good. Some refuse to acknowledge it at all. It's how you may have learned to deal with grief. Everyone copes in different ways, including kids. They may need something different.

Be open to talking about grief and showing vulnerability to your children. It normalizes showing emotions and shows that you can handle hearing about them. If it helps your child to talk about their grief, listen. And really listen without plans to fix things.

Respect if they don't want to talk about it, avoid forcing the issue. They will talk when they are ready. If that's too much, give them space to feel however they need to and find a trusted person for them to talk to.

What are some things that you wish adults said to or did for you after a loss?