Amel Counseling Blog
Some Signs of Anxiety that may be Less Obvious
By Juliana Lewellen
Anxiety presents itself in a lot of different ways. Sometimes, though, anxiety can be extremely sneaky, and we don’t even know what we are feeling ourselves.
Other times, people can mistake signs of anxiety for something else, and it flies under the radar rather than being addressed and processed.
Here are some signs of anxiety that may not SEEM like they are signs of anxiety:
Snapping/ being impatient: This is one of the signs of anxiety that definitely gets put in the “mistaken for other things” category. A lot of times, people tend to read this as a behavior-related issue, or just being moody. However, it honestly may be one of the more common signs of anxiety.
Difficulty sitting still and concentrating: This is a sign of anxiety that also gets mistaken for ADHD, especially in kids and teens. Children who have anxiety jitters may also not have the emotional vocabulary to describe what they are feeling, and explain to their parents/ teachers that they are anxious. This leads to a lot of misdiagnoses of ADHD.
Zoning out or dissociating: Sometimes a child or teen seeming like they are daydreaming a lot can be harmless. Other times, it can be a sign that they are trying to escape the physical feelings of anxiety, resulting in zoning out or dissociating as a coping mechanism.
Appearing flaky or struggling to commit to future plans: This is one of the symptoms of anxiety that can appear frustrating to friends and loved ones of those who are struggling with it. Sometimes people tend to not be so understanding about someone who do not feel like they can keep their social plans. If this is something you struggle with, it is very possible that it’s due to some underlying social anxiety.
Not making eye contact: This is a very small sign, and it can also be related to one’s culture or the way they were raised out of respect. However, if presented with any of the other symptoms, it’s possible that someone who struggles to make eye contact when chatting with you may be anxious.
Startled by noises: This symptom can be related to a lot of different disorders and is a part of other diagnoses as well. But, when paired with other signs and feelings, it can certainly be a sign of someone dealing with anxiety as well.
Pacing: Like the inability to sit still, this can present to others like ADHD. However, it’s quite possible that a person who is pacing may be finding it comforting if they are feeling anxious, or it helps them get their anxious energy out.
Wanting to go home/stay home: Perhaps you find yourself searching for an exit whenever you go somewhere, or you find yourself wanting to go back home after a short period of time. This is certainly a possible sign of anxiety.
Harbored breathing: This is probably one of the more common symptoms that people understand as anxiety when they see it.
Fidgeting, stroking their arms, tugging on their hair: Some of these behaviors are considered protective gestures. Others are due to the inability to sit still, and the person doing it may be trying to make it look more natural by fidgeting with something.
Self critical comments: This symptom can be subtle comments, or it can be more obvious self-deprecating. Oftentimes, people may mistakenly perceive this as depression, as the person may make comments about how they are worthless or bad at things. However, people with anxiety are hyper-aware of other people’s perception of them and their own perception of themselves, and it makes them nervous.
Asking for reassurance often: Somewhat related to the above symptom, someone who makes a lot of self critical comments or deals with intrusive negative thoughts may require a lot of reassurance in order to feel better.
If you, your child, or someone you love presents with any of these signs and symptoms, it’s possible they may need some extra help processing and working through their anxiety with a mental health professional. Make an appointment today with one of our own!
Helping Your Child Make Decisions
By Juliana Lewellen
Decision-making skills are an important aspect of a child’s development. Sometimes, parents struggle with how exactly to support their child in making choices, and when to allow it.
It can be a difficult balance to find. As a parent, you want your child to find that space of autonomy and independence, but you also don’t want to just tell your kid that anything goes.
Here are some ways to find that balance of letting your child make some choices for themselves.
Encourage it early, and start small. Yes, even toddlers can make choices! Appropriate choices, though, of course. For instance, start with letting them have two options. Hold up the Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol shirts and let your 2 year old point to which one they want to wear. Let her choose between two different toys to play with. Easy and harmless! At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter which they choose but just that they were included in the choice. As they get older, they will be able to make bigger decisions, and most importantly they will learn from you that structured, appropriate choices are healthy.
Walk through it with them. When your child gets older, they may come to you with a choice they need to make. Explain to them what decision making skills are and discuss what you personally do when you are faced with a decision. Teach them what a pro and con list is. Model for them what it looks like to consider how each option may affect them or their peers.
Consider when it would be a good time to step back. This one is really hard, guys! Parents never want to step back and allow their child to make a mistake, but it is a normal and important part of growing and learning. At the end of the day, you are going to have to allow your child to make a choice and see what happens. As long as they aren’t in any physical danger, give your kid the space to mess up sometimes. Maybe they had two friend’s birthday parties in one day, and after you talked to them about it, they did not decide to go to both. Now their friend is upset, and they feel bad. Talk about this experience with them, ask them how it makes them feel, and discuss what they learned from it so that next time, they may make a different choice. This lesson can be a lot more valuable than if you just simply told them how they may be affected from the start.
Is This Really Grief?
By Juliana Lewellen
Grief is often tied in conversation to the notion of death. However, grief is not limited to death.
Grief is the deep sorrow in response to any form of loss that impacts one’s life.
A loss that impacts one’s life could be in any form.
Here are a few examples of loss we May Not Realize Cause grief.
Losing a friend.
Leaving a career path you really loved.
Losing a part of yourself that you once loved.
Changing future plans.
Losing trust in someone you love.
Infertility.
Failed fostering and adoptions.
Ending romantic relationships.
No longer feeling safe and secure in your place of living.
People who experience any of these “non-traditional” losses are left with feelings they can’t pin down, and may not understand what they are experiencing. All of these losses bring forth feelings of grief. It may not or may not feel the same as losing someone to death. It’s unfair to place more or less value on the loss based on the pain it inflicts on the sufferer.
They are grieving because these losses are important too.
Grief is an extremely private and personal experience for whomever it affects. There is no way to truly “fix it” but there are many ways to process it that can hopefully be helpful. Understanding your grief is a good way to process it.
Grief can cause physical and emotional symptoms. It can be incredibly exhausting and extremely heavy. It can be all-consuming, frustrating, and really change you. The good news is, with the right help, grief can be made to feel lighter.
There is no real timeline for when someone should begin grieving or be done grieving. Maybe you have not been sad about your loss for years, and you thought that you were over it, but then recently you find that it has snuck back up on you.
That’s other thing about grief, it can be very unpredictable. Maybe yours comes in waves and without warning. Maybe hers comes nonstop and slowly dissipates. Maybe his has not hit him at all yet. We are all different.
There are no rules. You can be happy, annoyed, established, excited, determined, etc. and still also be grieving at the same time. Grief can coexist with many different emotions. This is sometimes confusing for people because they think the only acceptable feeling to pair with grief is sadness; they can’t seem to understand why someone who is grieving can also be happy. This is not true at all. With the right help, you may learn that grief can be carried with joy.
If you find that yourself, your child, or your family as a whole may be experiencing grief after ANY kind of loss, you may need some help processing it. Schedule with one of our therapists today.
Working Through Some Academic Setbacks with your Child
So, it’s September 2021. Some of our children are back to school finally after being virtual for 2020, and getting back into the swing of things has been in and of itself a little difficult.
While I’m sure some parents are so happy and grateful that schools are reopening, this without a doubt still comes with some struggles as well.
One of the major issues in the wake of COVID and virtual learning is children perhaps feeling as though they are a little lost, being academically behind, and/or scoring lower grades than they are used to.
This is challenging for everyone: teachers, parents, and especially the child. Not everyone thrived over virtual learning, and now they are returning to “business as usual” feeling as though they entirely skipped a year. It’s as if you popped your child in the grade above their age group and expect them to understand the work.
So, we know what the problem is… but what can we do about it?
Here are some tips on working through your kids’ academic setbacks in order to support their learning without making this situation stressful for the whole family.
Make learning fun and not just a “school thing.”
Encourage learning outside of the school setting.
Kids genuinely love to learn… they just don’t always love to learn when they think it’s for school.
Learning does not need to be formal. Take them to the zoo, bake with them (this is math and reading!), or read an interactive book. Do a scavenger hunt. Get creative!
Communicate with the school:
If you feel your child needs the extra support in school, be open with them.
Get ahead of schedule and say something early on in the school year, so that they have time to get the proper supports in place before the work picks up.
If you have a child with disabilities, this only makes this tip all the more important.
Teach your child to be their own advocate.
This is important in school but also just in life. This is a lesson they will apply later in life as well if they are encouraged to and realize it yields successful results.
Teach your child to never be ashamed to speak up if they are struggling.
This is empowering to the child, and they need to understand that they will not get in trouble for expressing that they feel they need more help.
Even young children can do this; just tell them if they ever feel stuck in school to tell their teacher or you that they think they need more help, want a study buddy, or would like a tutor.
If you need more information about how to properly support your child through their learning struggles during their return to school, do not be afraid to reach out and take parent coaching sessions with Amel Counseling.
If you feel as though your child is having a difficult time re-adjusting to their academic expectations in school, and it is affecting their mental health and behavior, find out more information and schedule a consultation for child therapy sessions here on this site.
How Can I Get My Kid to do Chores?
By Juliana Lewellen
This is an age-old question among parents, especially with families who have been quarantining together and just outright getting on each other’s nerves.
Parents often say that their kids just do not want to do their chores, and then they describe arguments about it that result in power struggles with their children.
A lot of times parents will give up and feel burnt out, and say things like, “My kid just won’t do them. I could threaten everything under the sun but he doesn’t care.”
Although these fights can be a pain, it is obviously important that kids learn the importance of helping out around the house and pitching in.
Here are some tips so that you, as a parent, don’t have to find yourself in a place where you are arguing with your child about chores until the cows come home.
Create a routine: Sometimes I recommend to parents to create a fun-looking chart with bright colors, outlining the chores of the house. Laminate it, and use a dry-erase marker to write your kids’ names in their favorite color for each chore. If they’re old enough, let them sign up themselves! This is a good area to allow some autonomy. You could give them choices of which chore they would rather do. It would also be important to make sure that your expectations are clear; make sure your kid knows how to do the chore properly before you assign it. And don’t forget to check in on them to make sure they are sweeping your hardwood floors with the right end of the broom.
Give specific instructions for your younger kids and your kids with attention challenges. Take the extra step to say, “Please put your blocks in your toy bin,” rather than vaguely saying, “Clean the living room.” This often can cause arguments because you will be frustrated when your child did not understand what they meant, and they can also become frustrated because they feel like they did what you said when they rearranged your decorations. Small steps are key.
Consider a good reward system. This really depends on your child and what they find rewarding, but a good reward system really makes or breaks this process. Most children thrive best on a token system, whether it be a weekly allowance or tokens that they can trade in for prizes. Other children prefer a treat or some one-on-one time with their parents. Regardless, the extra incentive can really be helpful to you as a parent. The most important aspect of your reward system is that you make it clear to your child ahead of time and allow them to aid in putting together a system that they agree upon and find fair.
Remain calm. Everybody is going to have their off-days. Sometimes adults forget that children have days filled with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. It is important to not write this off and force your child to do their chores without acknowledging they may be experiencing one of these off-days. Make sure you are encouraging a little self care with your child and practicing patience with them before you get upset about their moodiness.
How to promote healthy body image for your child
By Juliana Lewellen
Although you may try, you simply cannot shield your child from each and every mental health struggle that they can possibly encounter in their lives. One of these struggles your child may have is low self-esteem and unhealthy body image.
The idea of an ideal body is something that may appear inescapable; diet culture is everywhere we turn, the media is always promoting unattainable looks, and your child’s peers may pressure them to look a certain way as well.
However, research shows that one of the biggest influences on a child’s body image is their parent’s outlook on body image.
The way that you, as a parent, talk about both the way you look and the way others look does truly make a difference.
So, the question stands: what is the best way to promote healthy body image? What are the do’s and dont’s?
DONT:
Promote foods because it “helps keep us thin”
Instead DO:
Promote healthy eating. Many people conflate health/fitness with the size/shape of a body. This is a learned idea. Many people who are thin maintain pretty unhealthy eating habits, while many bigger bodied people actually eat very nutritiously. Many people who people call “too skinny” actually do give their body everything that it needs. These two are not one-in-the-same. Teaching your child about how healthy a balanced diet is does not actually need to be about how they look--AT ALL!
DONT:
Talk about working out to lose weight
Instead DO:
Talk about movement/exercise in a way that has nothing to do with being thin. This one may feel a little foreign to the parents who grew up in the 80’s, 90’s, or 2000’s, but exercising and being thin do not need to be a hand-in-hand type of deal. Teach your children that they should move their bodies because it is good for the mind. Teach your children to exercise because it makes them strong. Teach your kids that they do not need to push themselves past the point of enjoyment, and that they should not feel like they have to do it.
DONT:
Call yourself fat or say you need to lose weight
Comment on other people’s bodies or appearances negatively
Comment on your child’s body shape/size
Instead DO:
Focus on aspects of people that have nothing to do with their outer appearance. This goes for your child too. Bear with me on this, because sometimes it sounds strange. Of course you can tell your daughter that she is beautiful! However, it would also be really meaningful to your daughter to also tell her what exactly about her makes her beautiful. Talk about her soul; how intelligent she is, her independence, how kindhearted she is. This piece also goes for others as well. Discussing with your child people “inner beauty” and things you love about them that have nothing to do with their face or body will give your child an appreciation for those things about themselves and in others.
DONT:
Maintain a strict diet of 3 meals a day, all healthy, all small proportions
Refuse to buy junk food
Instead DO:
Allow your child to have food autonomy. I can already hear your next thought: “My kid is going to eat cereal and ice cream 24/7 if I let them do this.” I’m definitely not saying that you should leave the grocery store with a cart full of junk for them. What I’m saying is, teach them about the importance of vitamins and nutrients, fruits and vegetables, and make it fun for them. Then, allow them to choose which fruits, veggies, healthy snacks, and junk foods they want to get. Give them a few dinner ideas for the week and let them choose which ones they want tonight. Choices are good, and so is balance.
If your child begins making comments about their body, make it an opportune time to open up a conversation about this. Ask questions. Listen. They are obviously getting this idea from somewhere. Check yourself against these do’s and dont’s.
You don’t have to be 100% perfect 100% of the time. Every parent has their own struggles and are not immune to their own body image and self-esteem struggles. However, if you struggle with your relationship with your body or with food, this may be something you do not wish to pass on to your child. It may be a good idea to seek therapy in order to refrain from continuing a cycle in your family.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for more help than this post has to offer if you need it. We got this.
Teenagers and Dating in the Time of Covid
By Juliana Lewellen
As a parent with a never-ending list of worries about your child, one thing is certain: managing your own feelings toward your teen beginning to date is a challenge!
This is a tale as old as time. Your son or daughter starts to have romantic interests, or they start to feel lonely without a relationship, and you start to feel the hairs on your head turn grey.
Although this is a stage of life most parents go through with their kids, things are looking a lot different for today’s teens because of the pandemic.
Let’s face it, the past year-and-a-half has made teenagers miss out on some of the most iconic times in a person’s life.
From asking peers to prom, flirting with crushes at their locker, first dates at the movies, and so much more, you as a parent got to experience some of these amazing memories that are now a lot more complicated for teens to experience.
Although I’m sure you had your own obstacles (maybe you snuck dating behind your parents back… we don’t judge!), without a doubt the pandemic has made dating a lot more complicated for your teen than it already was.
With that being said, it is super important to promote healthy romantic relationships for your teen during a time when they may already be struggling with this enough as it is.
1. Be supportive. Whether they seem to be feeling lonely without a romantic relationship, they are frustrated because COVID makes seeing their partner difficult, or they are going through a breakup, make sure you have a supportive voice in this.
This may be stressful for you, and that is normal. However, it’s always important to remember that being unsupportive just results in more feelings of loneliness and isolation at a time when those feelings are at an all-time-high already.
Support is always good for a teen’s self confidence.
2. Have empathy. Think about all of the things you got to experience as a something-teen-year-old that your child will not be able to do. Being a teenager is so hard as it is, and they have already missed out on so much. Let them know that you see that.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with literally saying, “I am seeing how hard it is to maintain these feelings right now. I am here for you if you need any advice or want to vent.”
A lot of times parents miss opportunities to leave the ball in their kid’s court because they forget to say something so small that means so much.
3. Healthy boundaries, healthy boundaries, healthy boundaries. This is a thing all the time, in any romantic relationship, but now we’ve got to prioritize COVID safety guidelines as well.
Work together to set some ground rules and make it known that their health is of utmost importance, so that they see that you are not just trying to keep them from dating.
If they want to have some Facetime dates, give them space.
Give them your best parent to child dating talk, muster up the courage to be open-minded,
If they are going through a rough breakup, tell them you are here for them, give them your favorite breakup song playlist and SPACE to let them feel their feelings.
It may not be the easiest task, but our kids who have to be teens in times like these really do deserve as much support, empathy, and understanding as possible about their romantic interests.
Having open communication about this is important, and can really make your parent-child relationship stronger. Your teen will surely thank you for it--someday at least!
Modern Parenting: Grief
"That's how my mom did it." I can't tell you how many times I've said that to myself. Just last week I was wheezing and coughing trying to recreate her gardens. Not a good look and I was miserable.
I was grieving her and believed being like her was the best way to cope. I wanted to feel happy and be a good mom. Instead, I was miserable itching, and annoyed with my kids. Definitely not my plan.
“That’s how mom did it”, “that’s the way it is”, or “you know better”. These phrases often said by well-meaning people, hold a ton of judgment and leave little room for growth. It’s as if the thought of deviating disrespects the memory of loved ones or traditions. But what if their ways are stale, limited, or even harmful. Should we change them? Absolutely!
Our foundation comes from childhood memories. So we are bound to bring a bit of old school into our homes and child-rearing. Especially when our teachers have passed on.
Things like recipes, traditions, nursery rhymes, how you clean, down to how you grieve are all learned. Given this past year, we may need to refresh how we help our grieving kids.
Helping your kids cope after a major loss can be overwhelming and terrifying. You swoop in and respond the way adults around you always have, for better or for worse. Or, you freeze because you intuitively know that your kneejerk response isn't ideal. No one has taught you an alternative.
Grief can an elephant in the room. We do anything to make the situation feel better. To feel lighter. To distract from the emotions.
It's uncomfortable, awkward, and it doesn't feel good. Some refuse to acknowledge it at all. It's how you may have learned to deal with grief. Everyone copes in different ways, including kids. They may need something different.
Be open to talking about grief and showing vulnerability to your children. It normalizes showing emotions and shows that you can handle hearing about them. If it helps your child to talk about their grief, listen. And really listen without plans to fix things.
Respect if they don't want to talk about it, avoid forcing the issue. They will talk when they are ready. If that's too much, give them space to feel however they need to and find a trusted person for them to talk to.
What are some things that you wish adults said to or did for you after a loss?
How I Use Video Games in Sessions
Hey all.
I have a confession, I have on occasion taken my son’s Nintendo Switch to play video games in my office. Sometimes it’s mindless Animal Crossing, (actually not mindless, as no one wants to move to my island!) but most times I’m using it for work. As a child therapist, I communicate the way my clients do, through play. That hasn’t changed since the pandemic, but the medium I must use has. Due to virtual sessions, I find video games a necessity for some kids.
I could go on and on about the different opinions about whether video games are effective or a hindrance. I’ll spare you as I assume that if you’re reading this blog you are either: a therapist trying to figure out if playing video games is therapeutically appropriate; you believe it can be and want some tips, your client is pretty much ignoring you while playing a game, or you are one my client’s parents who are wondering why their kid is screaming about Mario Kart. So let’s get to it!
Here are a few ways video games can be used in sessions:
Racing games are great for focus and frustration tolerance.
Minecraft is great for focus and creativity. It also has been shown to be engaging and helpful for kids with ADHD and neurodiverse kids.
Animal Crossing you and your client can visit each other’s islands, giving much-needed connection. It also allows for celebrations, giving kids a chance to celebrate milestones and even mourn losses.
6 Steps for successful video gameplay in session.
Set clear boundaries of games available to play and for how long. Fortnite may not be the best game for a 7-year-old during the session, even if the parents allow it. You also want to keep some structure to your session, this can avoid sessions running over or ending abruptly.
Have a clear idea of how you would plan to use the games in the session. Are you rapport building?
Check-in with parents and discuss future plans for using video games in sessions. Ideally, this will occur initially, so the games and any requisite boundaries are set. Clarify if your client will have online access and what games they are allowed to play.
Remember that this is still therapeutic play! Reign in your competitive streak, be easy on yourself if you don't understand the game, and stay alert and attuned.
Have a backup activity or game ready in case of technical difficulties.
Make sure the virtual rooms you are playing in are private.
Click the link to my video explaining how I use video games in sessions.
Need more?
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Until next time,
Kim