Tips for parents raising teens
Having a healthy and trusting relationship with your child when they are in their adolescent years is important, yet tricky. Kids are beginning to make their own decisions at this age, and some of these choices have real consequences. They are navigating decisions regarding relationships–perhaps friendly and romantic–safe driving, substance use, and sex.
However, teens’ brains are not fully developed, so they are not fully skilled at regulating emotions and can be prone to risk-taking/ impulsivity.
This can make guiding them through these years difficult for parents. But, parents’ relationships with their teenage children is vitally important, even if it is different from their role when they were kids.
Here are some tips for parents trying to navigate the terrain.
Listen:
Teens are more likely to be open with their parents if they are not forced to be
Think of teens like cats; they will come to you when they don’t feel pressure, but if they do feel pressure they can get prickly
An offhand comment about something that happened with a friend or in school might be them reaching out and giving you information without formally sitting down to talk
If you remain interested and open, engage with them, but don’t pry, they will likely tell you more
Validate:
Show teens that you understand and empathize with them when they are having a hard time
Some things that upset your teen may seem trivial; this does not mean it is good to minimize
Your teen has less life experience than you, so when something hurts them, they may think it is the end of days
Telling them that you understand and what they are going through does sound difficult is a good way to let them know you hear them and are there for them
You may be tempted to build them up by saying things like “everything happens for a reason,” but this can also be seen as dismissive
Don’t lecture:
You do get to set the rules, but nobody truly has a relationship with a parent that is a dictator
Be ready to explain the rules to them rather than simply state “you’re the child, I’m the parent”
Teens are actually more likely to follow rules if they are able to ask about them and have them explained to them, and this is not always disrespectful
Pushing boundaries is natural to a certain degree
Show trust:
Asking your teen for favors that make them seem or feel more responsible and mature is a good way of showing them that you trust them
Volunteering privilege (like having them look after something or help you with something important) shows that you believe they can handle it
This is good for self-esteem and their individuality / independence as this is developing at this time
Look for ways to show your teen that you trust them, like allowing them more developmentally appropriate freedom (a later curfew, etc)
Control your emotions:
Remember that your teen is less able to control their emotions
When tempers flare or there is arguing, it is important for parents to count to ten, take deep breaths and calm down before responding
If you are both too upset to talk, try taking a break or ‘hitting pause’ on the conversation until you are both calm
When tempers rise and there is an argument, teens can tend to say things they don’t mean or exaggerate their anger as a part of their impulsivity
Give praise:
Tell your teen whenever they do something right
Teens might seem “too cool” for your opinion, but often they deep down do care what you think
Teens can also be self-critical, or may remember constructive criticism more easily than praise
This can lead teens to believe they are doing more wrong than right, and can affect confidence
Giving your teens your approval, encouragement, and positive feedback is good for your relationship
Value family time:
For some families, this looks like meal times together (like dinner)
Families can be busy, and that is understandable
Taking time away from TV and screens to do regular check-ins is important
Check-ins that are regular should be casual and low-pressure conversations, like about sports or movies or friends
Kids who are comfortable conversing with their parents are more likely to be open with anthem about difficult subjects
Be observant:
Some kids might be more reserved or private than others
You may not be able to drag any concerning information out of them conversationally
It is important to pay attention to the way they act if they tend to be more quiet
Take note if they are no longer enjoying things they used to or are self-isolating more than usual
Pay attention to any changes in their mood, appetite, behavior, grades, motivation, or sleep
As always, if you feel that your relationship with your teen could use some work, Amel Counseling & Consulting is here for you! Reach out today for a free, 15-minute phone consultation and ask for a therapist who is willing to see your teen, or have parent and family sessions with you and your teen to work on your relationship and communication.