For parents
Most young kids know about death; they are aware of it even if they don’t fully understand it.
Kids may have seen death in movies or tv shows (even cartoons), or read about it. Maybe your kids have friends who have lost a pet or a loved one, and they have glimpses of what that’s like.
But, if your child is experiencing grief firsthand, this process is completely different–and oftentimes confusing–for them.
As much as you may want to, you cannot protect your kids from the pain of grief and loss altogether. They will experience it one way or another, eventually. What you can do is help them feel safe when they are going through this process, so that they feel encouraged and allowed to express their feelings to you, as opposed to keeping it bottled up or navigating it alone.
When kids feel safe to express themselves to you, you can also provide solutions to their feelings or ways to help them process them in the form of healthy coping skills. These coping skills can be a foundation that kids will build upon and serve them well in the future.
Here are some tips for parents of grieving children:
Stick to routines:
Children find comfort in routines
Structure can help soothe anxiety
Utilize friends and family as child care if you need alone time
Don’t ignore your own grief:
Show your emotions
Reassure your kids that it is okay to be sad
Utilize your own coping skills so that your grief is not explosive or unhealthy
Model these coping skills for your kids
Children will imitate the grieving behavior of their parents
All kids grieve differently:
A child may go from crying to playing in a matter of minutes
Changeable moods do not mean they are grieving “wrong”
Playing may be a defense mechanism or a coping skill
Younger kids may show signs of regression such as bedwetting or baby talk
Kids of any age can benefit from seeing a mental health professional if they experience loss, even if they seem to be grieving healthily
Encourage them to express their feelings:
It is good for kids to talk about whatever they are feeling when grieving
There are good children’s books that can help with this discussion
Sometimes kids can’t express their grief with words
Art, music, scrapbooking, memory boxes, photo albums, storytelling, and more can all be good ways to encourage emotional expression
Be developmentally appropriate:
Try not to volunteer too much information in order to not overwhelm the child
Wait and see what questions they have, and then answer them
Sometimes young kids do not realize that death is permanent and may think that their loved one is coming back
Sometimes kids feel they are to blame for some reason
Be direct:
Kids are extremely literal and concrete; don’t use figures of speech (such as “went to sleep” or “went to the sky.”
You don’t want to instill a fear in a young child or make them think that it’s scary to go to bed, you may not wake up, or you can somehow be taken to the sky
Discussions about the afterlife:
If your family is religious and believes in an afterlife, discussing this with your child is fine and appropriate timing
Even if you aren’t religious, you can teach your child that loved ones who pass away continue to live on in our hearts and memories, and talking about them keeps their love alive
The funeral:
It is up to the discretion of the parent if the child should attend the funeral
In some cases, the funeral can provide closure
Some children cannot grasp the concept of the funeral and find it to be an intense, sad experience
Parents can ask the children if they want to attend and explain what it might be like; prepare them for what they will see and may feel
Do not force the child to go
Keep in mind that the child may get upset and need to leave, may have a meltdown, or be generally unpredictable
Do not blame yourself if they attend and it goes poorly
Alternative ideas to the child to attending the funeral: planting a tree, sharing memories about the loved one at home, having a ceremony with just your small immediate family, etc.
If your family has experienced a loss and your child is struggling with their grief, they may need more support than you are able to give on your own. Reach out to Amel Counseling & Consulting today for a free, 15-minute phone consultation with a therapist who can help your child process their grief, learn healthy coping skills, and communicate their intense emotions.