How to Support and Talk to Your Child in Scary Times
The news has been utterly frightening this week. As parents, you may be inclined to shield your children from the details of the school shooting. You may be worried this will be anxiety inducing and make your child afraid to go to school. The reality is, your child will hear the story somewhere, whether through peers, online, on the TV, or on the radio. It’s unrealistic and near-impossible to keep something like this from them. It’s also exponentially better for your child to hear about something like this from you directly, as opposed to outside sources, as this promotes communication and conversation in your family. Although these conversations are difficult to have, it’s important.
So, how do you even go about discussing something so horrific with little ones? Are you worried you’ll do more harm than good? Here are some tips to help you work through this process.
Give yourself the space and grace
to process your own feelings of distress, sadness, anger, and grief. You’re a human first before a parent. How are you feeling? Make sure you check in with yourself and seek the proper support if you need it. You don’t need to be perfect and strong; you’re allowed to be vulnerable and have your own complicated feelings.
Break the news to them early.
As mentioned before, delaying the conversation may not be the best call, since they will likely get the story from somewhere else. You do want to be the one to lay the facts out and set the emotional tone for them. They look to you for safety, comfort, and honesty.
Be developmentally appropriate.
It may not be the best idea to go into too many details with your young ones, as this can be overwhelming and upsetting. Volunteer as much and as little information as you feel gets the point across, and allow them to ask some questions. Allow them to volunteer any information they may know or feelings they may have. Do your best to be honest, clear, and concise; however, if you don’t have all the answers, that’s okay. You’re having the conversation and that’s what really matters. Expect that your child may want to come back to the subject a few times.
Model calmness.
It’s okay to tell your child how you’re feeling and use as many feelings words as you need to. Explain that your feelings may be complicated, and it’s normal to feel more than one thing at once. Just remain calm while telling the story and expressing your feelings. Most kids absorb the tone and emotions you are modeling, and might lose the important details along the way. If you remain calm, they will get the point of the situation and then be able to feel their own feelings.
Reassure them.
Talking about tragedies is impossibly difficult. What’s important to know about kids is that they are egocentric. They are likely to hear about an act of violence and immediately worry that something like this could happen to them. It’s really important to reassure them and make sure they feel safe; tell them that the situation is being handled and investigated by people who are working hard to do so, measures are being taken to insure safety, and that (hopefully) we as a whole are learning from it.
Help them express their feelings.
Some kids like to express themselves through writing, art, dance, movement, conversation, singing, and more. Whatever your child typically uses to let their feelings out, ask if they want to do that now with you. Do it together or as a family. Encouraging your child to express their feelings rather than bottle them up is important in situations like acts of violence because it helps them learn that their feelings are valid and gives them an outlet for them. They will learn to do this in other situations.
Be available.
As stated before, your child will likely have more questions in the coming days, weeks, months, etc. Your child may also be emotional and upset. Spend time with them to make them feel better and sit with them in their emotions. Although it may feel uncomfortable, some kids take comfort in doing “normal” things while trying to heal from being anxious or frightened, and that’s okay.
Create a memorial.
Some children feel a lot better when they can create something nice for the lives who were lost. Talk about what they may want to do. Maybe they want to plant a tree or flowers in their memory; maybe they want to make something like pottery or artwork. Maybe they want to make cards or something else. Children are sweet and thoughtful and may feel they want to do something special.
If you feel like your child could benefit from more support outside of the home, reach out to Amel Counseling & Consulting and set up a free, 15-minute phone consultation with a child therapist. We have therapists that are ready and willing to provide parent coaching sessions, individual sessions with children, or family sessions.
