Some parents come to a child or family therapist really at their wits end. Their kid is having temper tantrums, acting out in school, and being labeled as having behavior problems and being defiant.
As therapists, we see it all the time — when a child is diagnosed and labeled as having behavioral issues.
But sometimes, the cause of temper tantrums is not super obvious, and it can take some time to get to the bottom of.
When a child acts out (more than just occasionally or to get their way), and they are exhibiting outbursts and tantrums often, are inconsolable, and the adults in their lives do not understand it, there is usually something behind this behavior that needs to be resolved.
The first step to figuring out what their solution is, because every kid is different and may have different solutions, is trying to get to the bottom of what may really be behind this “problem behavior.”
Perhaps delving into what some of the common causes of temper tantrums and outbursts may give parents some ideas as to what their child may be dealing with under the surface.
ADHD - Although this one is sometimes misdiagnosed, and definitely over-diagnosed, it would be important to consider Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder, as this would be a good one to rule out first.
ADHD is diagnosed when children are having difficulties paying attention or sitting still, especially in the school setting.
ADHD typically presents with what many people would consider to be “problem behavior,” as the children affected by it typically appear to be maliciously ignoring instructions or lashing out, when really they are having trouble with their attention.
Kids with ADHD lash out because they are frustrated at the task they are being assigned because it is unusually hard for them, and maybe because they are embarrassed. They are often falling behind in school because they can’t focus, and they may feel shame.
It is very difficult for a child with ADHD to stop doing something they enjoy because it is usually the time when they feel they have the most control and focus, so they may be triggered to lash out at these times as well.
Kids with ADHD tend to be more impulsive than kids without it. Because of this, when they are feeling overwhelmed, they may do something impulsive that appears violent or aggressive, and this also imitates behavioral problems.
Sensory Processing Problems - Children who have difficulties processing sensory information tend to get overwhelmed when they are in a place or situation where one or more of their five senses need to work in overdrive.
They may have “extreme” and confusing behavior, such as screaming/crying when they are experiencing sensory overload, which may be loud noises, bright lights, or a combination.
Kids with sensory problems may have a meltdown over something that their adults don’t really understand to be an issue, such as a certain article of clothing or food.
Sensory processing problems can also look like rigid routines, which can bring about temper tantrums as well whenever they are forced to stray from their normal day-to-day.
One important thing to understand about sensory problems is that their response to these situations is deemed the “problem behavior,” because it seems inappropriate to the adults in their lives, and this frustrates them even further.
Kids with sensory processing problems are also at risk for elopement (running away) from the environment that is making them feel discomfort, which is also seen as problem behavior, because they choose “flight” in their “fight or flight” response.
Learning Disorders - a child may have a learning disorder, such as dyslexia, if they have difficulties in school because they have a harder time processing the information taught in school.
A child with a learning disorder may act out specifically in school or during homework time because they are not able to grasp the material and they are embarrassed or frustrated.
A child with a learning disorder may also refuse to ask for help because they recognize that they are falling behind, or getting left behind in class, and therefore would respond with a temper tantrum or meltdown.
Another common response for a kid with a learning disorder would be to distract the class with a diversion, such as calling out or talking to another child in class, which is typically mistaken by teachers as a behavioral problem.
They may decide that getting into trouble often, or being the “class clown” is less embarrassing than letting their peers see that they are falling behind, do not know the material, feeling vulnerable, and ashamed.
A child with a learning disorder that is unaware of why they are struggling will often worry that they are not smart, feel shame, and act out because of it.
Autism - a child that is on the spectrum may present with difficulties in areas such as social skills, speech, nonverbal communication, repetitive behaviors, and sensory problems.
A child on the spectrum can be set off by unexpected changes to their daily routines, which tend to provide them with comfort, and this can present as temper tantrums.
A child on the spectrum may sometimes also lack the ability to communicate their feelings and not be able to express themselves, which can result in immense frustration and look like behavioral problems as well.
Some kids with autism who are nonverbal may also be dealing with an unrecognized medical problem that is causing them discomfort and making them irritable, but they are unable to express their pain, and lash out.
A child who has undiagnosed autism may be wrongfully labeled as having problematic behavior because the adults in their lives are reading the situation wrong.
Anxiety - a child with anxiety may feel intense feelings of stress, uneasiness, nervousness, and/or fear, which may provoke their “fight or flight” response, and they may have other physical responses as well.
Anxiety in children is super commonly mislabeled as behavioral outbursts, because many adults wrongfully picture an anxious kid as being very timid or shy, which is normally not the case.
A child who struggles with anxiety may lash out to avoid or escape a situation that is triggering them, because they are feeling such strong uneasiness, that they would rather get in trouble and leave than stay.
A child may have social anxiety and have a temper tantrum to leave a party or public place because they are feeling criticized, along with high levels of discomfort, and other physical symptoms.
It is also not uncommon for a child with anxiety to struggle with having behavioral problems in a school setting, at sports, or anywhere they are around peers, because they may feel pressure that they cannot manage.
The behavioral response to anxiety can confuse adults, such as teachers, coaches, and parents, because it appears to come out of nowhere and resembles a child having a temper tantrum.
DMDD- a child may have disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, or DMDD, which is categorized by struggling to regulate their mood, frequent outbursts, irritability, and anger.
A child with DMDD will have severe temper tantrums, seemingly out of nowhere, and does not have the ability to regulate it, so they may often be labeled as a problem child.
These children are also very sensitive, but oftentimes the adults in their life do not know this, so they do not approach them with caution when they need to discuss something difficult.
A child with DMDD tends to view things negatively, resembling someone diagnosed with depression, and often feels misunderstood.
It can sometimes become a self fulfilling prophecy when a child has DMDD and they are in a situation with authority; they may just assume that they are going to get in trouble a lot and that their teachers are not going to like them and, in turn, act out because of it.
They also can be quick to have a meltdown over something that appears minor to others, which further frustrates them because it is not minor to them, and their behavior may escalate.
Trauma - a child who has a history of trauma is one that is displaying an ongoing emotional response to an extremely triggering event.
A child who has a history of trauma or was the survivor of abuse may have a difficult time managing and communicating their emotions, especially the stronger emotions.
One way that people learn how to manage their emotions is by being calmed by our parents as children; a child who has been abused and neglected was never modeled ways to soothe themselves, and may not be able to bring down their escalated emotions to feel comfort and safety.
A child who has experienced trauma may be quicker to act out and present with emotional outbursts because they are feeling triggered, or brought back to their trauma.
They also may interpret situations in the wrong way, such as assuming people do not like them or are out to get them, and may explode because of it.
A child with a history of trauma may need to be taught and practice ways to cope with their stronger emotions.
There is also a lot of shame associated with kids who have experienced trauma, and they may develop the belief that what happened to them was their fault, which can lead to feeling that they are bad and unlikable, which can draw them to the conclusion that there is no point in listening to the rules or trying to behave.
There are a lot of other possible causes of behavioral problems, but these are some of the more common ones that many adults tend to not consider. If your child or a child you know is presenting with behavioral problems, it is possible that they are dealing with something underneath the surface that they may need extra help with.
If that is the case, it may be a good idea to make an appointment to expand your support system.