Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict

As parents, when kids are dealing with conflict, you may want to resolve it for them or walk them through how to resolve it because you feel bad that they are not happy. It can be really hard to see kids feeling so frustrated, hurt, angry, and betrayed when it comes to peer conflict in school or in other social situations. However, letting kids feel their feelings and learn how to solve their own problems is crucial to their maturing and growing process. 

So, what is the balance between overstepping in their conflict and providing guidance and helping them learn the valuable skill of conflict resolution?

Here are some tips:

First, help your kid think more clearly about the situation.

Sometimes, when people are extremely angry, it can be challenging to think straight. Also, younger kids or kids who struggle with frustration regulation might not be able to talk about it until they have calmed down. This might be a good moment for a coping skill. You might want to work with tackling their feelings first. Are they hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated, angry, or sad? What do they need to feel better? The rest of the steps can wait until the immediate feeling is tackled and not fogging up their logical brain. Younger kids might need to use simpler feelings words, might need feelings words described, and might need to use a visual like an emotion thermometer.

Next, focus on figuring out what the source of the conflict is.

Some younger kids might struggle with understanding where the problem originated, and others might not have the emotional awareness to fully grasp the “why” of a disagreement or conflict. Guiding them to the root of the issue will make it easier for them to come up with solutions, and it is a lifelong skill to know how to identify and talk about problems in the future. “What is actually wrong?”

Then, teach your child effective communication.

You could have them roleplay with you so they can learn how to have a tricky conversation while they are in a safe, judgment free place. It is also important for kids to understand that making “I” statements is a lot more helpful and healthier than placing blame on the other party. The sooner kids learn that the last thing you need in a disagreement is more defensive energy, the better. It can also be helpful for them to write out their thoughts and feelings, and then you can help turn the written statements into “I think” and “I feel” statements.

Then, encourage perspective with your kid.

Teach them the benefits of looking beyond this one argument, and at the bigger picture overall with this friend or person. Is this a one-off, is this a pattern, is this an unhealthy relationship, is this an ongoing feud, or is this a wonderful friendship going through a tough moment. Teach them that one behavior does not mean that this person is this way. Kids struggle with this sometimes, because of where they are with their brain development. Also, encourage them to try to see this conflict from the other person’s perspective. Even if they don’t agree with the person, it is important to try to ponder about what the other person must be thinking, feeling, or believing about the situation and why they got where they are. This helps your kid develop empathy which is another important lifelong skill.

Last, help them brainstorm some solutions together.

Go through scenarios, let them go through several different routes they can take, and work together on choosing the best one. This can be tricky! It can be hard to know what is best because we can’t see the future. Let your child know that the best you can do is try and put in effort, and it’s okay if it does not work out perfectly the first time. You might have to go back to the drawing board if the first solution doesn’t work out, and that is totally okay. This is a part of the process and an important life skill to learn. Still give your child words of affirmation for trying to come up with a solution!

As always, an added final step is to continue to model what you wish to see in your kids.

If you are working with your child on conflict resolution, it is important for your child to see these techniques first hand when you have your own conflicts. Put these into practice and even point it out to them when it is appropriate. It is valuable for kids to see that conflict resolution and problem solving skills are hard, but it is doable!

If you feel like your child is struggling with peer conflict, socialization, social skills, making friends, and even bullying, and you would like some further support, reach out to Amel Counseling and Consulting today. We have clinicians who specialize in these areas who can help your child, and are available for a free, 15-minute phone consultation to see how they can best provide support!