How to Ask Kids What They Are Feeling
Some kids are an open book, but some are a bit more closed off and internalize their world around them. If you have a kid that is a bit more reserved, thoughtful, and perhaps shy, you might find yourself wanting some insight about their feelings– how they have been handling something stressful, what they think about an incident that occurred, if anything is bothering them.
Here are some ways to have a bit more clarity with your child:
Play Roses and Thorns (or any game that discusses the ups and downs of their week/ day.)
The rose: something you liked about your day
The bud: something you are looking forward to
The thorn: something you did not like or was hard for you
Help them identify their feelings
Perhaps a feelings chart could be useful
Encourage them to use feelings words to express how they feel, but not “good,” “fine,” “okay,” etc.
Every kid’s different– some 6 year olds can verbalize and pinpoint exactly what ruined their mood for the day while other teens get stuck on the “I don’t know” loop
Without prodding too much, try to get them to be as specific as possible
Help them through times of uncertainty
You might not be able to give them certainty, but that does not need to be the goal
Help them brainstorm about things that are worrisome to them
Try not to give too much advice/ answers, but rather gently guide them
Problem solving can make kids feel more empowered
Feeling a part of the solution for something that directly affects them or their family can help them be more prepared for future challenges
Ask them open ended questions
Make sure they are specific and not yes/no or one word answer questions
“What did you learn about in school?”
“What did you do in xyz activity?”
“What is something interesting or funny that someone said today?”
“What was the hardest part about your day?”
“What was the most fun thing you did today?”
Choose the proper time to chat
If your child is anxious-leaning, bedtime might be a difficult time for them to talk about their feelings because they may tend to worry more at night
Even if your child is not anxious leaning, a lot of kids like to wind down at night and bringing something potentially upsetting (unintentionally) might ruin their sleep
Before or during homework also may not be a good time to ask your child questions about their day as homework time can be stressful for kids
Instead, try to find a calm and relaxing moment to talk
Dinnertime might be a good time to talk
In the middle of a laid back activity as a family may also be a good time to chat
If your child is struggling with communicating their feelings and you truly worry that they are internalizing a lot, it might be a good idea for them to have someone to talk to. Reach out to have a free, 15-minute phone consultation with Amel Counseling & Consulting to see how our team of child and adolescent therapists can help today!
